Sometimes I wonder if I will ever actually make it to where I want to go. As I stumble into this New Year, I can’t help but wonder when I will be on a smooth path again. As I turn the page on my calendar and forget what year it is on my journal entries and checks (it’s still 2011, right?), my steps are most certainly just that — a stumbling. The last few months have been up and down, filled with hurdles and mud and detours and delays. The road has not exactly been smooth. It’s been exciting, for sure, and absolutely an adventure, but I feel a bit battered and beat up, to be completely honest.
But praise the sweet Lord, He has grace that is sufficient for our weakness, and His mercy is new every morning. Because seriously, if it wasn’t for Him… I don’t even want to think about it.
2014 was nuts, and every month was crazier than the last. 8 countries, 3 continents, 7 months of living out of suitcases and crashing on way too many peoples’ couches like a nomad, and 12 months of seeing God show up and provide in the most unexpected ways. I feel like the crazy hasn’t stopped for a moment to take a breath. I wonder if Crazy gets as tired as I do. Maybe he’s a professional marathon runner and that’s why I can’t seem to keep up with him. It would explain a lot.
I hope and pray that 2015 will be a year of rest and green pastures. All of these mountain heights and valley lows are starting to wear on my tired soul. There’s nothing quite as invigorating as reaching the top of a mountain and being able to look back at all you overcame to get there, and there’s certainly lessons and growth found in the depths of the valley, but sometimes the rest and peace found in the green pastures between the two are what we really need.
But most importantly, whether or not I am resting by the still waters in green pastures, I just want to know Jesus more. I want to see Him in every second of every day. I want to be completely overwhelmed by His beauty and grace. I want to live out of the rest and intimacy of His presence. And I want the world to know Him, too. He is so good, you guys. He is so good.
I have felt the isolation and loneliness of re-entry from the mission field to home. I’ve known the joy of ministering hand-in-hand with Jesus in the nations and at home. I’ve struggled with fear, doubt, anxiety, depression, and feeling like a waste of space. But I’ve encountered a God of such love and joy that those things have to just fade away and disappear. I’ve felt the inexpressible joy of being lost in His presence, the elation of seeing wandering, lost children find their home in Him, the hope of a captive soul being set free. And it has been worth it all because Jesus is worth it all.
I have been thinking about this idea a lot the last few days: we can have as much or as little of God as we want.
So, bring on the mountains and valleys. Bring on the detours and hurdles and the seasons of quickening and abundance. Bring on the new, bring on the crazy, bring on the laughter and the tears. Jesus, take me to and through whatever gets me more of You.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
The rain fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
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