Being Independent is Overrated

It is so important to live in community. When I was younger, I always wanted to move out, live on my own, be independent. By myself. Ha. 

The last few years, God has really been changing my heart when it comes to being independent. It's not all that it's cracked up to be. Our family has always had someone from the "outside" living with us. I think probably since my mom and dad bought this house there has only been about 2 years when no one else lived here too. That is pretty rad. We've had druggies and addicts, homeless and outcasts, aunts and random friends, those who loved Jesus and those who did by the time they left. My mom is such a great example of what it means to love people the way Jesus loves people - she could care less whether you are rich or poor or employed or have a good or bad rep. She will bend over backwards, sacrifice her time and resources, to make sure you are cared for. That's how I grew up. I have a bazillion horror stories I could tell about growing up here with all of these other people living here, but the good stories and the lessons I've learned would outnumber them a million to one. 

Right now, I'm eavesdropping on the two other women who are living with us... And it is bringing me so much joy. This is how life should be: talking about the serious things, the conflicts, laughter, swapping stories of life lived at the Flanigan homestead, and talking about the dreams Jesus has given us. It is absolutely beautiful because this is all God. It's all about relationship - the good, the bad, and the ugly of community. 

"Being independent doesn't mean doing it alone." - my mom. You guys, she is so incredibly wise. I don't know how I got to have a mom as great as she is. And I know you would all agree that she is pretty top notch...

But anyways. Why in the world would anyone ever want to live life on their own? Life is meant to be lived and shared together. I am so thankful that my mom has made this truth a reality in my life. 

Dreaming

Before I left for my DTS with YWAM in summer 2012, I kind of had a dream/vision for my life... I really wanted to open a coffee shop that served GOOD coffee, had super chill music, comfy chairs, and an atmosphere that welcomed the broken, the joyful, the hurting, the outcast, the misfit, the radical, and the everyday kid. But more than that, I wanted it to be a place where people could find Jesus. I wanted it to be a place where the homeless had food and shelter and a friend. Somewhere the desperate could find hope, the broken could find healing, and the tired could find rest. 

I dreamed of there not only being a coffee shop but also a community house where people who loved Jesus and other people could live together like the church in Acts 2. Of course, it wouldn't be limited to only followers of Jesus; as one of my lecturers last year said, "every person is a child of God... Some just haven't realized it yet." I love that. But the community would be centered on worshiping Jesus through music and tangible, outward expressions of love toward others - no matter who they were. There's a lot more, but that's pretty much the roots of my dreams - live in community, love on Jesus, love on people, and drink coffee. There's not much better, right? 

I don't really know what happened, but slowly, near the end of my DTS, that dream slid into the background. It had been in the spotlight for so long, yet somehow it managed to just trickle away. Something I always knew about my future was confirmed several times while I was on my DTS - I am going to be a lifelong missionary and life is going to be nowhere near ordinary. Deep in my heart, I've always known God would have me go overseas to who knows where doing who knows what. And that's what I want so badly. So that has become my dream - to move overseas as soon as I possibly can. I guess I let the coffee shop/community house dream go because, honestly, I don't know when that will ever become reality. I don't even know where I will be in a year. Or in 6 months, for that matter. 

But today, my coffee shop community dream came back in full force for the first time in months. I don't even know what to do with all excitement and the ideas that are flying around in my head at 5 billion miles an hour. The only thing I can do is give it back to Jesus. He knows the desires of my heart even better than I do. He knows how He is going to use my gifts and passions. I think I'll just sit back and see what doors He opens and where He leads me next. 

Freedom from Negativity. And a bit about Elephants.

The last few weeks I have been struggling with negativity and a complaining spirit. I've been struggling the last few months actually. It has mostly just been in my thoughts, but I have noticed it coming out more and more in my conversations with friends and family. All the good things in my life have been getting drowned out by my constant complaining about everything. And I have been having an incredibly hard time shaking off these new-found pessimistic tendencies. Not going to lie though, the last 6 months since I got home from my DTS have been incredibly difficult with a lot of ups and a lot of downs. 

The thing is, I used to hardly ever complain. I don't like being around people who complain. I have always tried to be as positive as possible, whether it is about a personal situation or a friend's circumstances. There's no point in being a pessimist. Life is too short to be a Moaning Myrtle. So, as I've been doing some self-reflection, I have not enjoyed seeing these things in me. 

At least step one is completed: recognize and accept the fact that you have a problem. Check. But what is step two? How do you get free from a negative mindset? I really hate all of the negativity inside of me. Besides for the fact that God tells us to "rejoice in the Lord always" and to "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus," (oops), I also know that being negative is not good for me as a human being. We, as a human race, have been learning more and more the importance of having good mental health. Thinking positive really does have more of an affect on us than we admit. And I have been beating myself up with my thoughts for months and months. Negativity and pessimism also has a damaging effect on our spiritual lives as we are spiritual beings. Over and over again the Bible tells us the only way to approach the throne of grace with confidence is to enter His courts with thanksgiving because He has done great things for us. When I have accepted the complaining and negative spirit, how can I honestly expect to communicate with the Holy Spirit? I am pretty sure Jesus doesn't speak the languages of Whine or Self Pity. 

I realized that this issue was deeply rooted in selfishness on my part. Life has not exactly gone the way I wanted or expected, so obviously it's okay for me to throw a fit and doubt God's goodness. He is always good. The thing is, God's goodness in my life far outweighs all the other stuff that I have allowed to shadow it. Once I gave into the selfishness (basically me trying to claim control over my life which I have already given to Jesus' full control...), of course I would become unhappy - losing my joy and peace. For some reason, I keep forgetting that my life is hidden in Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The desire of my old self, the dead self, is to have control again and to have things work out the way I want them to for my own happiness. But the desire of my new self is to just let Jesus have it. Because why not?? His ways are higher than my ways, and the plans that He has made for me are good. I'm so forgetful, but He always reminds me that He is the only one who brings me peace. 

So I have been praying the last couple of weeks that God would free me from the chains of this negativity and to give me the freedom that comes from living a life of thankfulness! It's been a really hard struggle for me. One of the staff members from my DTS, a beautiful woman of God - Nele, challenged us to never say anything negative about anything - not the weather, our hair, anybody else on the team, the slowness of others. Nothing. That, my friends, is incredibly more difficult than you may think. I figured that would be a good place to start in my desperate search for freedom from this nasty darkness I have been living in the last few months. It is really hard for me to not speak out the complaints in my head, but I've been working on it. Instead of complaining, I have begun to speak out the good in situations because there are usually more good things than bad in pretty much every situation I find myself. It has helped quite a bit. 

On Tuesday night I got to go to an outdoor worship night with my favorite worship bands in Knoxville, TN. I went with my friend Graham from my DTS. It was fantastic. Most of the songs were about breaking chains and finding freedom again in Christ. It was just what I needed. Jesus broke so many of the chains that the devil had ensnared me with for months. It was incredible. I felt so free afterwards. But not only was this negative spirit a chain, it was a habit. And breaking from bad habits is the pits. This last week I have been praying that God would help me break from this habit. Last night, Jesus spoke to me. 

I was writing in my prayer journal, and I couldn't stop saying thank you! I literally couldn't. I was suddenly overwhelmed by gratitude for everything. I had to stop writing so I could just sit in God's presence in thankfulness. I was about to turn off the light when the Holy Spirit showed me a picture and taught me something about spiritual bondage. I rarely see pictures so it blew me away, and I had to start writing again!

I saw a picture of a full grown elephant tied to a tree. I was reminded of something that I had heard a long time ago: in India (and other countries where they train elephants), they chain baby elephants to trees. They use thick, heavy chains so the baby won't escape. The trainers leave them chained as long as it takes for the elephants to calm down and stop trying to escape. The elephants soon learn that weight on their leg means they are trapped. Eventually, as the elephant grows, the trainers switch the heavy chains for light ropes. The elephant still believes it is not strong enough to escape even though, with one quick motion, it could free itself. 

I am the elephant. We are all elephants. We all have things restraining us, spiritual chains on our spirits that keep us from loving God with all we are. But how easy it really is to break free! We are covered by the blood of the Lamb, we are new creations in Christ! The sinful nature has no control over us anymore! Satan isn't really a lion - he is a mouse with a megaphone. He distracts us and blows things out of proportion. He is the king of lies and deceit, but my King, King Jesus, is the Father of Light. He alone is the Way, the Truth and the Life. In Him, and Him alone, is freedom and peace. He longs for us to realize that, with Him and through His grace, we can have life and have life to the fullest. The things holding us back are merely thin pieces of thread compared to His redeeming love. Do not be deceived anymore. 

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1

Life as a Story

I've been thinking about my life as a story with the hope that someday, somehow, it might end up being a story that a person a few generations down the line would be interested in reading. I would hope that by the time they finished my story they would be encouraged and inspired to continue on, to make a difference, to be all that God made them to be. Then I was thinking, why don't I see my life that way right now? Aren't all of our lives worth being written about? Our stories are all so unique. The way that we have done life up to this very moment has been so vastly different than the way the person down the road has done theirs. Perhaps our lives are book-worthy now.

I just finished watching The Hobbit for the first time about an hour ago. Yeah, I'm behind the times. Not my fault. Anyways, something struck me in the storyline that I had not noticed when I read the book about 5 years ago. I have been noticing the same thing in the Harry Potter series that I have been listening to on audio book. It has been rolling around in my mind for the past couple of days. It's that in most good, well-written stories, the main character is generally a nobody when you are first introduced to them. They are going about their lives the way that they have always gone about their lives. They do the things that their culture, society, and social standing expect them to do. There is very little disturbance in their comings and goings. The character seems content with where they are. Likely the thought of changing their surroundings or lifestyles has not even been considered, or if it has been, the thought is thrown out immediately as preposterous and possibly dangerous to the well being of anyone that might be involved in the change.

Then the inevitable happens. A random circumstance or run-in occurs. The character, the nobody, suddenly finds out that they are a wizard or a princess or even just somebody created for an incredible adventure. And then they become a somebody. Several challenges may present themselves throughout the story, whether a physical challenge or a situation, to test the true character and charisma of the hero. Pretty basic story material.

But there's something else I have noticed in these incredible stories I have let my brain and emotions become involved in (I tend to get lost in a good story...). There is almost always a subplot dancing its way alongside the main plot. Most stories have the good guys and the bad guys. Then there are the inbetweeners who desperately cling to what they have experienced before, the "facts" that have been proved by evidence they can see, and the way things have always been done while the more extreme-leaning characters hold fast to what they believe is true even if there is no way to prove with tangible evidence that what they are saying is true and the inbetweeners think they are crazy. No matter how many times someone tries to get these stubborn inbetweeners to open their eyes and understand reality, there appears (much to the onlooker's frustration) that they will never accept the truth. Often times, the main character will go to great lengths and risks to try to convince the naysayers of the truth that might save them from perilous situations or embarrassment when the truth comes fully into the light. And yet these inbetweeners hold unswervingly to their idea of the truth because of their pride, their fear, or their lack of discernment and trust. In most cases, by the end of the book or movie the main character finally defeats all odds, and the "ridiculous" truth they had been trying to convey the whole time proves to actually be true. The inbetweeners are proved wrong... with great humiliation on their part.

I don't want to be an inbetweener. I don't want to get so caught up in the way I think things must be done or in the way I think things should work that I become the character in the story everyone hates because of their ignorance and pride and I miss out on being part of the team that defeats the bad guys, realizing the truth too late. I don't want to be the stuck up person in the story that everyone hopes becomes involved in a tragic accident and never returns to the dialogue.

I want to be the character who fights for what I know is the truth. I want to be in conflict and trial so I can be developed and my personal character can be tested and strengthened. I want to be part of the group that goes after what is right no matter the cost to reputation, health, or personal gain.

Maybe if I put down the pen and stop trying to write my story the way I think it should be, God can start writing it the way He wants it to be written. I have a feeling He has some crazy plot twists in mind for the story of my life that will be unlike anyone else's story. Maybe if He writes it instead of me, it will be a story others will want to read. He might write a story that will challenge people to learn and grow from reading about the experiences and adventures that only happened because He had the opportunity to be the pen holder. Maybe it's time for me to stop trying to think of a creative plot for my life story and let the Creator of life do it for me.

Encountering Jesus

"There's nothing worth more, that will ever come close, no thing could compare - You're our living hope. Your presence, Lord. I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone. Your presence, Lord. Holy Spirit, You are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for - to be overcome by Your presence, Lord. Let us become more aware of Your presence. Let us experience the glory of Your goodness." - Bryan and Katie Torwalt, Holy Spirit

There is truly nothing worth more than knowing Jesus and encountering Him. Once you experience the love of God, you will never be the same.

Sometimes, a lot of the time, I am completely overwhelmed by my sweet Jesus. I literally don't know what to do with myself; I have no idea how to express what is happening inside of me. I am about to explode at the seams, but at the same time, I am paralyzed because of His inexpressibly tangible presence. It is so hard to describe what happens. I react in different ways when Jesus is present. Sometimes, I am so overcome by His love for me and the people I am talking about Him with that I start laughing or smiling uncontrollably. Other times, I experience Him during worship or the preaching or my own quiet time and can tangibly feel Him around me and in me. I experience a peace that surpasses all understanding and a warm, fuzzy feeling in the very core of my being, in my spirit. Occasionally I feel my heart break, but I know it's not actually my heart but His, and the emotions that come afterwards are flowing from His heart that is living inside me. I encounter Jesus in so many ways, but I know that I could encounter Him even more if I was aware of His presence around me. There is nothing I want more than to experience Jesus.

And there is nothing like witnessing someone else having an encounter with Jesus. I honestly cannot express the sheer joy that comes over me when I watch Jesus touch the life of another beloved child of God. Seeing someone come to the realization of how incredibly much God loves them and of who they are in Him is one of the most beautiful and perfect things that you can ever be privileged to experience. When someone experiences the love of God, they are never the same. Everything about a person changes when Jesus meets them and they have a face-to-face encounter with the Savior of the world. My favorite part is seeing their eyes change. When I see the eyes start to sparkle, that's when the smiling uncontrollably happens. I just can't contain myself.

I have never felt such joy, peace, and complete satisfaction as I have when I talk about Jesus with someone, anyone, anytime, anywhere. It really doesn't matter. As soon as I get to mention the name of Jesus, everything inside of me changes. If I was in a bad mood, then I am suddenly overexcited and enthusiastic about... everything. If I was feeling apathetic or annoyed, then all of that is washed away. And then when someone else catches that, I get even more excited. It does more for me than coffee does. After a conversation about Jesus I can't sleep or think about anything else or even be productive because I am so hyped up about it. And it is absolutely fantastic.

"Your love has ravished my heart and taken me over, taken me over. And all I want is to be with You forever, with You forever. So pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper. I want to know Your heart. I want to know Your heart. Your love is so much sweeter than anything I've tasted. I want to know Your heart." Steffany Frizell, Closer

Homesick

    Being homesick sucks. It really, really does. When you experience it loneliness, frustration and an overwhelming desire to be home plunge you into a pit of depressing solitude. Memories of the "good old days" of the way things used to be come flooding back like an unstoppable flash flood of nostalgia. You get lost in reminiscing over old feelings and beautiful memories. The desire to go back to the way things were holds you under the water, drowning you in the flood of loneliness. Even though, while you are dreaming of days gone by, you know that it will never ever be the same when you finally do go home, - something you knew and considered before you left in the first place - you still hold onto this hope that it will be the same. It's really just your selfishness showing its nasty head. How selfish it is to go off on grand adventures, galavanting through this wide world you are discovering, all the while expecting those you love not to have adventures or not to have moved on while you were gone. The fear that there won't be anyone still there, that my friends will have moved on and forgotten me, haunts me every day. But what if they are thinking the same thing about me?
   
    There is good that comes out of it too though. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. At least, I hope it is. When you are away from the ones you love, you realize just how amazing they are - more than you ever realized. You realize how much the mean to you and how blessed you are to have them in your life. And I hope that makes coming home that much sweeter.
   
    Being homesick is something that you have to overcome though. Unfortunately for us, we can't really live in the past while hoping to be useful in the future. Or in the present. It's a struggle. Struggles in life come so that, through them, we may become more like Jesus. No matter what trial or temptation comes our way, we can be sure that our Redeemer went through the same things. Even being homesick. And because of this we can "consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because we know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance." I think Jesus had perseverance - He came to earth knowing that He was going to die for people who couldn't care less about His love and sacrifice. I think He persevered out of more than just His love for us. Jesus knew where He came from and where He was going. When Paul said, "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain," he must have been looking at the life of Jesus and longing for his heavenly home. For Jesus, to live meant that He could share His Father's love and mercy to a broken, messed up, hurting people who hated Him, and to bear that sin upon a rough wooden cross. Yet He persevered; He died because He was going home. He was going to be at home in the presence of His glorious Father, the Almighty King. I think that gave Him the courage to face  the most excruciating death you could ever possibly imagine.
     
     "All these people (even Jesus) were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking to a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them." Heb. 11:13-16

     I think Jesus was homesick. He knew what was waiting for Him. He lived in faith knowing that His Father was waiting in glory for His beloved Son. The things Jesus said were the opposite of every normal, understood thing of this earth, and He knew that He wasn't meant for an earthly life for long. But He persevered. Most of the time He was alone in it. He was betrayed and left alone by His closest friends. I can only imagine how hurt and homesick that made Him when His disciples denied Him in His times of trials. But He knew that He was not alone - that His Father and God was there with Him all the time. I'm sure the knowledge of all these things gave Him the courage to live the way He did. He knew where His identity was found and where He was going - what His goal was.

      Suddenly, being homesick isn't quite so hard. Knowing that Jesus longed for His home like I do mine is encouraging. Although it is convicting at the same time. I know I don't long for heaven like I should. I'm not homesick for it. Of course, I want to go there, but it doesn't eat away at me like being homesick for Oregon does. Day by day, my desire to be in heaven grows - what could possibly be better than an eternity singing praises at the feet of Jesus? - but I still feel alone here. God knows my pain though. It's okay to be homesick, to miss your family and friends. It's what you do with those feelings that matters. Sometimes it hits me like a wave and I just start crying. My heart literally from the longing to be home with people who know me and love me. It's so easy to get lost in that. If I let it consume me, though, it puts a wall between me and the people I am around at that time. I am no longer living for the people that I should be focusing my love on. I am either living in the memories of the past or the dreams of the future. I'm certainly not living to the fullest in present at the moment that matters most. When I let homesickness get the best of me, those around me get less of me than what they deserve. When I am homesick (and handle it correctly) I become more like Jesus. As He shares in my suffering, I share in His. In His longing for home, He invited others to join Him in His kingdom of peace, which is the place we all long for down deep inside. When I am homesick, I am longing for the people, the relationships, the love and joy, for a place where I am comfortable and accepted. Somewhere, in my dreams and biased opinion, home is better than anywhere else.

     What if what I am really longing for is heaven? That is the only place where all of the things I miss from home perfectly exist. That is the only place where all of the things I desire are - where love and laughter will never end, where friendships will be true and deep, and joy will be our unending song.