November Update! Amsterdam!

Well... November flew by. Not really sure where the time went... But! Thank you for praying for me! It was an incredible month, full of learning, growth, revelation, and exploration!

The beginning of the month was pretty crazy. We were preparing for Homecoming (a two week retreat for frontier missionaries from the field to come rest and be refreshed before heading back to their ministries) and as a DTS team we were also getting ready to head to Amsterdam!

The week of Homecoming that I was here for was really great. It was so cool to hear stories of life in other nations, what God is doing in some really tough places, and to hear how He was using such humble people to change the world. We hosted legends - heroes on the field. It was such a privilege to get to serve them and to just be around them! There were about 15 people who came, including some families. It was really fun to have little kids running around the house too!

One of the many beautiful canals in Amsterdam

Amsterdam: DTS Workshop
Amsterdam was incredible. I am so glad that we were able to go! Alex, Rachel, and I headed over on the 15th. The first week was the Discipleship Training School Workshop. Again, it was like being in a room full of legends. There was about 50 people from 11 or 12 bases from around Western Europe. Some of us have never staffed a DTS before, others have literally been working with DTSs for decades. We learned again the basics and foundations of DTS - why we do them, what the core vision behind it is, and how we do them well. We walked through the values of a DTS and YWAM, and went in depth with what being a disciple of Jesus really means.

Me and Rachel. She's the best.

I really enjoyed that first week we were in Amsterdam. I feel much more prepared for the upcoming school because I have an even better understanding of what DTS really is! And I know even more now that it is definitely the type of ministry God created me to do. It was also such an encouraging and refreshing week. We were busy with sessions and activities from 9am-9pm pretty much everyday, but it was so good to be around like-minded people who are passionate about seeing others grow in their relationship with Jesus.

It was a great time of reconnecting as well. There were several friends from YWAM Brussels and Herrnhut who I haven't seen in over a year or more at the workshop. YWAM really makes the world a whole lot smaller! It was so good to hear what Jesus has been doing in their lives since I last saw them and to share our hearts for the nations and discipleship! It was also so good to make new friendships with people from other bases from all around Europe. One night we had a base presentation night where each base shared very briefly about DTS at their base and other ministries their bases are doing. I love DTS because each one is so unique! Snowboarders, Sailing, Fine Arts, Justice, Core DTS... It just shows how God loves to be creative in reaching the world through His creation! It was exciting to hear about where each base is thriving and where they are still learning how to grow.

I also got the chance to reconnect with one of my DTS staff and his family, who I haven't seen in almost 3 years! They live in a town outside of Amsterdam, so I got to spend last Saturday with them. After hearing so many stories during the DTS workshop and learning more about being staff, I have a much greater appreciation for all my DTS staff did for me and my school!

Amsterdam: Team Outreach!

The Seamill DTS Team: Alex, Rachel, me, and Wayne!

Then last week we started our team outreach. Our fourth team member, Wayne, joined us Sunday night, and we got right to it Monday morning. Before we left, we felt God leading us to go to Amsterdam to, first of all, give us the tools and better equip us for the DTS, second, to grow in boldness in sharing the gospel, and then also to grow together as a team in our relationships with Jesus and our understanding of the Bible. We also felt very strongly that during both the workshop and on the streets we were to give away what we carry in our hearts because we are blessed to be a blessing - freely we have received from the Father, so freely we must give.

In the mornings we would spend about 4 hours together worshipping, praying, and studying the Bible together. It was so good. We each received so much revelation and vision during these times in the mornings. We spent most of our Bible reading time in 1 Peter, and I don't think we even got to the third chapter because Holy Spirit just kept showing us more and more in the first two chapters!

After lunch, we would head into the city center which was only about a 15 minute walk from YWAM Amsterdam, and then a couple of the evenings we went out to the streets as well. I'll just share a couple of my favorite encounters from the streets with you.

Amsterdam - bikes and old churches

Storytime!
On Monday morning while we were praying about ministry for that day, I saw a picture in my mind of a certain pub on a street corner in the city center. In the picture, we had prayed for healing for a man's leg and he was sitting on a particular bench and it was dark outside. We went out Monday afternoon and split up, talking with whoever we felt to led to share with about Jesus. We had a really great afternoon and decided to go back out after dinner. As we were heading back into the main part of the city, I remembered the picture, so Wayne and I headed to the street corner pub with the bench and just waited for Jesus to show us the guy! I approached several people, but none of them were interested in talking with us or receiving prayer. Then both of us saw the same guy, and we knew he was the one we were waiting for!
His name was Alef and he was Dutch. Wayne approached him first and I followed. We asked him straight away if he had any pain in his legs or his back and if we could pray for him if he did, and to both he said yes! We had him sit down on the bench and prayed for his legs. One was definitely shorter than the other. Although we didn't see his leg grow out, he did say that his back pain was gone! We started chatting with him about his life, and I asked him if he had a personal relationship with Jesus. He was really open and said no, but the only reason he didn't was because he couldn't believe that the Son of God would really become human. He also shared that when he was little he went to Sunday School but felt completely rejected by the church because he was always being punished for being naughty.
Now, at this point, I got super excited because this was my chance to give away what God had just given me the day before. On Sunday afternoon during a team worship time, Holy Spirit showed me how much I still needed the Cross and what Jesus had gone through to purchase my redemption. A huge part of what He showed me was about how human Jesus really was. It was really intense, but through this revelation I realized how desperately people need to know what Jesus did for them! So, just one day after learning this myself, I was able to share this with Alef - how Jesus grew up and probably stubbed His toe and scraped His knee, how He grew up in a town that no one liked, worked hard as a carpenter, hung out with the outcasts and the people no one liked, did the complete opposite of what the religious people said was right, and then died an excruciating death to save us and set us free. It was amazing to watch how Alef changed as I spoke! You could see the wheels turning!
Then I felt he should read the Gospel of John. Turns out Alef's middle name is John. And we told him how John was the beloved, the very loved one of Jesus. And that he was very loved by God too. Everything in Alef changed in that moment. We prayed for him one more time, and when we left he said he was going to read John and think more about having a relationship with Jesus.

Cafes and coffee shops are probably my favorite place to do evangelism. We had an amazing time in a Starbucks on Tuesday afternoon, sharing prophetic art with several people. Prophetic art is a really cool way to share God's heart with people. Rachel and Alex are very artistically gifted, and they would see a picture from God for someone, draw it out, and then share what it meant with whoever God showed them to give it to. I think it's a really awesome type of evangelism because not only do you get to share God's love with people, but they also have something to take home with them to remind them of what He said. While they were doing that, Wayne and I had a 3 hour conversation with a guy from Chicago named Knute. It was ridiculous and hilarious and so filled with Holy Spirit. I don't think I've ever had a conversation about Jesus like that with a total stranger before. It was so life-giving and refreshing! Knute was a really spiritual guy but was more into a buddhism-like spirituality than with Jesus. But we got to pray with him, prophecy over him, and share our testimonies with him! And Alex gave him a really cool piece of art too.
We went back to that same Starbucks on Thursday afternoon and handed out a bunch of hand-written notes and pictures to people. It is always so fun to see how people react when you tell them, "Jesus loves you, He see you, and He wants you to know that! (And here's a tangible way to remember!)"

All in all, our time in Amsterdam was amazing. I learned so much and we had a ton of fun just running around and goofing off, telling people about our incredible king Jesus!

Yay Christmas :)

We got back this last Friday, and we've had a three day weekend to rest, hangout and catch up on newsletter writing. :) A great way to start a very busy next month! Christmas parties, village yuletide nights, FireStarters weekends, my birthday(!), and then two weeks of holidays, visiting friends and chilling out! Yay December!

Thanks for keeping me in your prayers and for your continued support. Couldn't be doing this without you!!

The view from YWAM Amsterdam's Prayer Tower

Amsterdam stands with Paris

Make Yourself at Home

"I've loved you the way My Father has loved Me. Make yourselves at home in My love. If you keep My commands, you'll remain intimately at home in My love. That's what I've done - kept My Father's commands and made Myself at home in His love." John 15:9-10 (Message)

Make yourself at home in My love.

Jesus' sweet invitation. How beautiful is that?!
He asked me what I thought He meant by "home". This is what I came up with:

Get comfortable with His love, know it inside and out like my own home. Own it and make it yours - this love is mine. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. He has been inviting me to make myself at home in Him. To throw my bean bag chair in the middle of His living room, rummage through His cupboards, sing in His kitchen, walk in His gardens.

It's so beautiful and I'm just beginning to learn what this invitations means. I don't think I've even scratched the surface.

All I know is, I'm so in love with Jesus, and this invitation has changed my life. The God of the universe has invited us to never leave His Presence, to make ourselves at home in His love.

And it's not to get anything from Him. Yes, intimacy leads to impact. All ministry flows from intimacy. But may we never pursue intimacy to only get things from God. He is so much bigger than that. May we long to know Jesus simply because He's Jesus, the One who's worth it all.

When you're at home you can be completely yourself, completely at rest. Striving and performance ceases because you're with family. They know your crap. They know your joys. And they want to hangout with you anyways. Jesus says, "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Or. In my paraphrase:
"Stop trying so hard and working from your own strength. Plop yourself down on My couch and let Me teach you. It's really not as hard as you think. It's so simple. You just walk hand-in-hand with Me and watch Me. We'll change the world, but let's hangout while we do it. The more time we spend together, the more you'll become like Me and you'll realize how simple it all really is. I love you. Make yourself at home in that - I love you."

And then He said something terrible cheesy and silly, but oh so profound to this kid from Oregon: "You're a mobile home of love." Yup. All the hippy cheese.

A camper cart bike. How epic is that. 

But seriously. I literally am the temple, the dwelling place, the carrier, the host, the home to the Presence of Love Himself. I was created to be the living, moving, breathing conduit of the manifest Presence of God to bring His ridiculously beautiful love to a lost and dying world.

It all starts with being at home in His love. How can I tell someone about something that I haven't really experienced or don't really truly know? And if I don't have His love in me and I'm not literally just breathing for love for Him, everything I do is nothing. I'm nothing. "I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him." (Philippians 3)

So yeah. He's inviting you to make yourself at home in His love. To know Him, to delight in Him, to simply be with Him all the time, any place, anywhere. And everything else will come naturally from that place.

October Update: DTS Team, Local Outreach, and Amsterdam!

Hello friends!

Greetings from Scotland! Thank you for your continued prayers and support. These last almost two months have been so good, so full of Jesus, and so rewarding already. Thank you for being a part of it! 

This is the ginormous house I live in, 
aka The Seamill Centre

It's hard to believe I've been here for nearly 7 weeks already. Time here has absolutely flown by! Every day has been completely different and always full, rarely a dull moment! Living on base has been so life giving and encouraging. Everyone here is so passionate and longs to know the Presence of Jesus in every moment of every day. You can read a short blog post I wrote for YWAM Seamill's website about my first month on staff and being in community here at this link: 

 Joining New Staff

I'll just give you a quick synopsis of what life's been like here. I am part of the DTS staff team (currently consists of just three of us) and my "job" is registration. I get to email with potential DTS participants - answering questions, checking in, and giving encouragement! I love being able to communicate with them because I get to share in their excitement and in their dreams of what Jesus could do in their lives. 

As staff we have been preparing for the DTS to begin in February. We meet together once a week to specifically intercede for the coming school. Intercession has become one of my favorite times of the week because it's during these times that I really find God's heart for this school. And let me tell you, God is super excited for February! Our theme for this DTS is Inheritance - what is our inheritance in Christ and how does that affect our lives here on earth? What does being "blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ" mean? I believe a lot of the blessing of our inheritance comes from knowing our identity as sons and daughters of God because it's the children, the heirs, who receive inheritance. It's some pretty cool stuff and the Bible is chalk-full of promises of what our inheritance could be. We have received revelation after revelation about inheritance as we study it together and individually.

Our DTS team (Rachel, Alex and I) get to go to Amsterdam for nearly two weeks at the end of November (from the 15^th- the 27^th or so)!!! We will be attending a DTS Foundational Workshop at YWAM Amsterdam from the 15^th-20^th, and then we will stay an extra week to do outreach in the city, do some team building, and to seek the Lord’s heart for what He wants to do in the upcoming school in February. I am really looking forward to meeting other DTS staff from all over Europe and to be better equipped to staff on the school.

That’s all cool, Katy, but what has God been doing? Fantastic question! So glad you asked. :)

My office space :)

I have had the opportunity to join the leader team for a youth ministry organization called FireStarters. FireStarters’ vision statement is “A generation set on fire for Jesus to be sparks of revival.” And basically, I get to hangout with middle and high school students from all over Scotland for an entire weekend once a month. They come from Friday night to Sunday afternoon to learn more about Jesus, their faith, evangelism, prophetic art, worship and to study the Bible together. There were over 40 gathered for the first weekend that happened earlier this month! I love it. I get to just hangout with teens, pray with them, walk with them, and hopefully help them know Jesus more! It was really cool to see several of the kids really get touched by Holy Spirit and receive breakthrough in their relationship with Him. They have a huge hunger to see revival happen, to see salvations, to see Jesus do miracles, signs and wonders through their prayers of faith, and to grow in their own relationship with Him.

God has also been opening doors of opportunity in the community of West Kilbride. A couple weeks ago, Rachel, Alex and I went out for local outreach. We spent time praying and worshiping before we went out. We all received words of encouragement and pictures from the Lord for specific people in the village, but we didn’t know who they were for! We wrote and drew them out so we could give something tangible to whoever we met.

We talked to a lot of people, but I still didn’t feel to give any of them the picture I had drawn. Then Rachel and I went into the pharmacy, and Jesus told me to give my picture to one of the pharmacists. I got to share what He had put on my heart for this lady, and she was blown away. I was blown away! It humbles me every time that the Lord would choose to speak to someone else through me.

Our outreach in the village has mostly been about building relationships with people here. The Scottish people are story tellers, and their stories they will tell if you stop and listen! Many of the conversations I have with people are no less than 15 minutes because they are such a relational culture. I was talking with an older gentleman named Norman in the ice cream shop and ended up just sitting in his booth with him because he kept talking! He didn’t even blink an eye when I sat down! I saw Norman again at church last Sunday and we talked again for at least 15 minutes.

It’s really cool to have this kind of relationship with shop owners as well. Business is rather slow during the week, so it’s a perfect opportunity to talk with bored shop owners!

Jesus has been teaching me a lot in the last month. It’s kind of crazy, but everything that I have felt Him speaking to me and challenging me to grow in personally has come up in our corporate community times. God is not a god of random or coincidence – He knows what He’s doing. He’s been inviting me and our community to deeper intimacy with Him, to be disciplined in guarding our time with Him and to fight for those sweet moments with Him. He has also been inviting me to dream with Him about why I’m in Scotland, right here, right now. How does He want to use my passions, gifts, and dreams for this nation to bring revival here? I’m just starting to catch His vision, and it is so exciting!

And so… this is how you can be praying!

-       Pray for more opportunities in the community, especially to simply share the Gospel and pray with people

-       For courage to speak up and step out when those opportunities come!

-       Pray for the next FireStarters weekend (November 6-8), for deeper connections with the kids

-       Pray for finances for my team as we go to Amsterdam and for accommodations for the week of outreach because we don’t actually know where we’re staying yet

-       Pray for me that I would fall more and more in love with Jesus

-       Pray that I would continue to find my place here at the base

-   For more dreams, ideas and bigger vision for what Jesus wants to do in Scotland!

  

                            

YWAM Financial Support Info

Thank you for investing in me and the work God is doing in the UK, Scotland, and the nations! Here is the information for financial giving:

As a staff volunteer with Youth With A Mission, I am responsible for raising personal monthly support. My goal is to raise $1500 a month to cover staff fees, housing costs, food, travel expenses, and outreach fees. YWAM has a base in Tyler, TX that serves as a donation center for staff.  They can process checks or they have the ability to set up an automatic monthly withdrawal if that is easier for you.  You can contact them and they will provide you with the form to set up the donation.  If you would like to send a check it should be made out to YWAM and mailed to PO Box 3000, Garden Valley, TX 75771-3000. Due to IRS regulations they ask that you not put my name anywhere on the check, but instead include a separate note with my name.  However, if you use a banking bill payment service, then my name does need to be on the check. YWAM Tyler's accounting department's phone number is 903-509-5302. If you are as confused as I am, you can always ask my CPA mom (thanks mom!!), or Labish Center Church has offered to receive donations as well at 7114 Labish Center Dr NE,  Salem, OR 97305, and you can also set up an automatic bill pay with them. Their phone number is 503-393-4554.

I also have a paypal account, paypal.me/katyflanigan

My address in Oregon is: PO Box 21207, Keizer, OR, 97307
My Scotland address is:
Katy Flanigan
The Seamill Centre
9 Glenbryde Road
West Kilbride
KA23 9NJ
Scotland

Thank you for your prayers, financial support and encouragement. None of this would be happening if it weren't for you!

Dry Rot House

June 2, 2015

I’m afraid I’ve wasted my time.
In fact, I know I have.
The worst part is — there’s no going back now.
There’s no going back and staying true to my word.
There’s no going back and saying the words you should have heard.

I can’t go back and turn off the tv.
I can’t go back and peel my eyes off my phone’s screen.
I can’t wish my way back to opportunities.
I can’t go back and pretend I was present.
I can’t even look back and say I’ve been pleasant.

There have been so many days where I’ve wasted my time
And honestly, it is such a crime.
“Tomorrow I’ll do better” just joins in the rhyme
Of do’s and don’ts and this and that’s and dreams and sighs.
The desire is there
The follow-through just is not.

I’ve been plagued by self-inflicted apathy
Poisoned by pride and bound up by distrust
I can say all the right words
I can show up and what’s expected…
When it’s absolutely necessary.

I’ve become a house full of dry rot —
Slowly falling apart from the inside out
Crumbling away but giving no signs
That these walls aren’t secure
That the person living within this dry rot ridden house
Isn’t the same as the enemy living without

I hate to confess this, to bring it to the light
But it’s the only way I know how
To make things right.
I’ve let my heart grow calloused and cold
This hardness of heart has left me bitter
I cut myself off from the Life-giving Source
I set up idols and I’ve gone astray.

I’ve been struck in the face by my own humanity
Broadsided by my total depravity
My selfish nature, my foolish pride
Just fed the rotting inside
If I am a house, then I’ve forgotten
That I’m also a home.

I’ve slowly been closing the blinds
Forgetting that there is a world outside
That desperately needs Jesus.
I make lame excuses and hide behind my tired mind.
I hide deeper in my decaying house
And mourn the fact that time just keeps flying by.

But as I am hiding, I hear a knock on the door.
I know Who it is, but I’m still scared
But I don’t know what for.
I open the door and dust falls away
And there it all is, my rust and decay.
I’m scared to look up, to see His face,
But He rushes inside and holds me tight
A big goofy smile illuminating
The darkness of my place.
He quickly scans the dirt and debris
Then whispers in my ear,
“Let’s clean this place up.
Let’s rebuild and renew and restore.
I want to fill it to the brim with Me.”

The musty old rotting house, full of debris,
Has become a home for a heart set free.
Jesus took out the rotten boards
He cleaned out the dust
He opened the blinds
Apathy and pride He swept out the door
And His perfect love cast out all my fear

He held me again so I could hear His heart beat.
I heard His joy and laughter —
The song He sings over me
With love in His eyes
He leans down and whispers once more,

“All you have is time.
Go, bind up the brokenhearted,
Lead home the lost and the blind.
You are a herald for Truth.
Declare my love and my Kingdom
To those who don’t yet know they’re Mine.
Your inhearitance is joy and peace and love divine.”

So now I can walk in freedom
Not bound by regret or shame
I know that I will fail and fall
But my Jesus will lift me up again
There is no time to waste
For the harvest is plentiful
The need is great

So forgetting what is behind
And straining toward what is ahead
I press on to take hold of that
For which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Poetry is like Poison

June 21, 2015

Well, I’ve done it again
I’ve read all your lines
And now I’ve got to
Clear out this clouded mind

There’s really no rhyme or reason
There’s no rules or chains
These words are just flowing
Like my breathing
But from my brain

How do words grab your heart
and stir up your spirit?
They cut so deep
And tear you apart

You can’t make it stop
You can’t keep them out
The syllables and consonants
Are vocal and loud

Poetry is like poison
But also the best remedy
When thinking gets too deep
And emotions just won’t let you be

Jesus is Bigger

May 28, 2015
In the last week, I’ve written my soon-to-be Scottish home address on the back of about 100 prayer cards. The more I write it, the more real it becomes. I’m moving to Scotland. This is the real deal.

Some days I let discouragement, fear, doubt, and, quite frankly, pure unbelief take over. How in the world is this going to happen? I only have 10 weeks left in Oregon?!?! Is this really Jesus’ leading? What am I doing? I forget the excitement, anticipation, joy, and adventure that should be literally exploding out of every pore of my being. This is going to happen. There is plenty of time. And when God leads and speaks and guides, He always provides. “With man this is impossible, but not so with God. With God all things are possible.”

I am so excited. I’m learning how to rise above “feeling” and move into just plain old belief. Do I still trust Jesus even when my circumstances say there’s no way? He is so much bigger. He is so much better.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit’s fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” 1 Thess. 5:16–24

Stumbling Along with Crazy

December 31, 2014
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever actually make it to where I want to go. As I stumble into this New Year, I can’t help but wonder when I will be on a smooth path again. As I turn the page on my calendar and forget what year it is on my journal entries and checks (it’s still 2011, right?), my steps are most certainly just that — a stumbling. The last few months have been up and down, filled with hurdles and mud and detours and delays. The road has not exactly been smooth. It’s been exciting, for sure, and absolutely an adventure, but I feel a bit battered and beat up, to be completely honest.

But praise the sweet Lord, He has grace that is sufficient for our weakness, and His mercy is new every morning. Because seriously, if it wasn’t for Him… I don’t even want to think about it.

2014 was nuts, and every month was crazier than the last. 8 countries, 3 continents, 7 months of living out of suitcases and crashing on way too many peoples’ couches like a nomad, and 12 months of seeing God show up and provide in the most unexpected ways. I feel like the crazy hasn’t stopped for a moment to take a breath. I wonder if Crazy gets as tired as I do. Maybe he’s a professional marathon runner and that’s why I can’t seem to keep up with him. It would explain a lot.

I hope and pray that 2015 will be a year of rest and green pastures. All of these mountain heights and valley lows are starting to wear on my tired soul. There’s nothing quite as invigorating as reaching the top of a mountain and being able to look back at all you overcame to get there, and there’s certainly lessons and growth found in the depths of the valley, but sometimes the rest and peace found in the green pastures between the two are what we really need.

But most importantly, whether or not I am resting by the still waters in green pastures, I just want to know Jesus more. I want to see Him in every second of every day. I want to be completely overwhelmed by His beauty and grace. I want to live out of the rest and intimacy of His presence. And I want the world to know Him, too. He is so good, you guys. He is so good.

I have felt the isolation and loneliness of re-entry from the mission field to home. I’ve known the joy of ministering hand-in-hand with Jesus in the nations and at home. I’ve struggled with fear, doubt, anxiety, depression, and feeling like a waste of space. But I’ve encountered a God of such love and joy that those things have to just fade away and disappear. I’ve felt the inexpressible joy of being lost in His presence, the elation of seeing wandering, lost children find their home in Him, the hope of a captive soul being set free. And it has been worth it all because Jesus is worth it all.

I have been thinking about this idea a lot the last few days: we can have as much or as little of God as we want.

So, bring on the mountains and valleys. Bring on the detours and hurdles and the seasons of quickening and abundance. Bring on the new, bring on the crazy, bring on the laughter and the tears. Jesus, take me to and through whatever gets me more of You.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

The rain fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Don't Be Afraid.

November 27, 2014
The biggest lie we can tell ourselves is that we have enough time; so don’t be afraid — no one else has enough time either. Speak, love, give.

I was reading in Matthew 10 tonight. It’s a crazy chapter, and if we take it literally, could be one of the most radical passages of scripture in the Bible. Before chapter 10 starts, Jesus says in Matthew 9:37–38, “Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send workers into the harvest field.” And then basically chapter 10 is a really big pep talk given to the 12 disciples before Jesus sends them out “like sheep among wolves”.

The message He sends them with is simple — the kingdom of heaven is near. The actions he tells them to perform are signs of uncontainable love — heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the leper, cast out demons. The reason He gave for doing all of this was pure and unselfish (and it is also what He did for us because of His relationship with His Father) — freely you have received, now freely give. He promises them provision and safety and that the Holy Spirit would speak through them when they got stuck in a tough spot. He warned them ahead of time that their families would think they were crazy, that they would be persecuted, hated, and disowned, yet He told them not to be afraid. Instead, He told them to speak all the more, to proclaim and shout it out from the rooftops — the kingdom of heaven is near.

Not only were they to perform all of these incredible signs and wonders, not only were they to preach such a message of hope even in places they were not wanted, not only were they to give and give and give even if they had nothing left, not only were they to trust an invisible God in the midst of life-threatening trials and not be afraid but to rejoice in the persecution and rejection of their friends, families, and communities — no, not even all of that was enough — they must love Him more than their families and friends so it seemed as if they hated their earthly loved ones, and they must be willing to bear a cross for His sake. They had to be willing to give it all up and to die or else they were not worthy of Him.

As I was reading these things, I was convicted of my own fear, my own failure, my own apathy and lack of commitment and surrender. I was convicted of my lack of faith to see the kingdom of heaven come through me. I was convicted of my selfish love, the love I have only when it serves me to love someone else. I was convicted of the fear I have of disappointing my family because of the decision I have made to try to live out Matthew 10.

And last night, I was reading Romans 7, a passage I used to think was so confusing, but now resonates deep in my heart (“For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but…)

I want so badly to live for Jesus with every fiber of my being. I want to be so in love with Him that I can’t help but love others in every way I possibly can. I want to have such a concrete faith in His goodness that I never doubt or have fear. I want to be so confident in who I am in Him that I have the boldness to walk up to someone and speak life over them without being afraid of what they might think because it is what is on His heart for them, and so it’s what is on my heart, too.

The biggest lie I tell myself is that I have enough time. I don’t. Let’s face it, none of us do. I tell myself there is plenty of time to do something God told me to do… There’s enough time to give it all up, so, really, I can just let go piece by piece… There’s enough time to have that conversation with someone, so I’ll do it another time when I feel more inspired and courageous. Guys. We don’t have enough time. They don’t have enough time. We can’t be afraid anymore. We have to speak. We have to love. We have to give. “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent?”

Oh Jesus! Forgive us! Forgive me! Forgive me for praying and saying I would go and then not going! Forgive me for saying that I would give it all and then holding back! Forgive me for speaking words I would never follow through on! Forgive me for praying for boldness and then running away when I was given an opportunity! Forgive me for forgetting the cost of Your precious blood. Forgive me for being selfish with what I have received. Forgive me for being silent when I should have been speaking. Forgive me for every time I said I trusted You and then gave into fear. Forgive me for being afraid of disappointing people. Forgive me for my apathy and my laziness. Forgive me for not keeping the main thing the main thing. Forgive me for the idolatry and selfishness of my heart. Forgive me for thinking there was enough time.

Oh Papa. That I would be so filled with You… That I would be so lost in the beauty of Your presence… That I would be so filled and overwhelmed by Your love that I could not hold back from giving every drop of it to even one person. I lay it all back at Your feet. All is for Your glory; all is for Your name. You’re beautiful. You’re worth it all. I will be Your laid-down lover — all for Your name, Your glory and honor. I will give it all for You.

Later, in chapter 11, Jesus says, “the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful men lay hold of it…” and I would dare to say He says this same thing to us, but whispers at the end, “… so don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t be afraid to give into this, this beautiful, crazy, radical, adventurous, mysterious, satisfying life of the kingdom. It is so worth it. Don’t worry about what people might say. I know they love you and they think they know what’s best for you, but trust Me — our Father knows what’s really best for you. They look at the outward appearance of people and situations, but the Lord looks at the heart and sees the big picture. His eye is on the sparrow, and He knows when each one falls to the ground. You are worth so much more than the sparrows, so don’t be afraid! Look at these promises I have given you. The One who calls you is faithful, and He will do it. Don’t be afraid to lose your life for My sake because I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Only in Me will you truly find life. I am inviting you, welcoming you, to a life in the kingdom of heaven. It’s a life that seems risky and dangerous and foolish, but that’s because it is. But it’s the best kind of dangerous — the kind that changes the world, right here, right now. Don’t be afraid to walk in obedience. It really doesn’t matter what the other people in the room might say; live your life only to please our Father. Risk your life and find it, just don’t be afraid. Go, cross the borders, learn the languages, live in the villages, spend your last penny, put your hand on the plow and don’t look back. But remember to come to Me when you are weary and feel burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. So don’t be afraid.”