Homesick

    Being homesick sucks. It really, really does. When you experience it loneliness, frustration and an overwhelming desire to be home plunge you into a pit of depressing solitude. Memories of the "good old days" of the way things used to be come flooding back like an unstoppable flash flood of nostalgia. You get lost in reminiscing over old feelings and beautiful memories. The desire to go back to the way things were holds you under the water, drowning you in the flood of loneliness. Even though, while you are dreaming of days gone by, you know that it will never ever be the same when you finally do go home, - something you knew and considered before you left in the first place - you still hold onto this hope that it will be the same. It's really just your selfishness showing its nasty head. How selfish it is to go off on grand adventures, galavanting through this wide world you are discovering, all the while expecting those you love not to have adventures or not to have moved on while you were gone. The fear that there won't be anyone still there, that my friends will have moved on and forgotten me, haunts me every day. But what if they are thinking the same thing about me?
   
    There is good that comes out of it too though. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. At least, I hope it is. When you are away from the ones you love, you realize just how amazing they are - more than you ever realized. You realize how much the mean to you and how blessed you are to have them in your life. And I hope that makes coming home that much sweeter.
   
    Being homesick is something that you have to overcome though. Unfortunately for us, we can't really live in the past while hoping to be useful in the future. Or in the present. It's a struggle. Struggles in life come so that, through them, we may become more like Jesus. No matter what trial or temptation comes our way, we can be sure that our Redeemer went through the same things. Even being homesick. And because of this we can "consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because we know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance." I think Jesus had perseverance - He came to earth knowing that He was going to die for people who couldn't care less about His love and sacrifice. I think He persevered out of more than just His love for us. Jesus knew where He came from and where He was going. When Paul said, "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain," he must have been looking at the life of Jesus and longing for his heavenly home. For Jesus, to live meant that He could share His Father's love and mercy to a broken, messed up, hurting people who hated Him, and to bear that sin upon a rough wooden cross. Yet He persevered; He died because He was going home. He was going to be at home in the presence of His glorious Father, the Almighty King. I think that gave Him the courage to face  the most excruciating death you could ever possibly imagine.
     
     "All these people (even Jesus) were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking to a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them." Heb. 11:13-16

     I think Jesus was homesick. He knew what was waiting for Him. He lived in faith knowing that His Father was waiting in glory for His beloved Son. The things Jesus said were the opposite of every normal, understood thing of this earth, and He knew that He wasn't meant for an earthly life for long. But He persevered. Most of the time He was alone in it. He was betrayed and left alone by His closest friends. I can only imagine how hurt and homesick that made Him when His disciples denied Him in His times of trials. But He knew that He was not alone - that His Father and God was there with Him all the time. I'm sure the knowledge of all these things gave Him the courage to live the way He did. He knew where His identity was found and where He was going - what His goal was.

      Suddenly, being homesick isn't quite so hard. Knowing that Jesus longed for His home like I do mine is encouraging. Although it is convicting at the same time. I know I don't long for heaven like I should. I'm not homesick for it. Of course, I want to go there, but it doesn't eat away at me like being homesick for Oregon does. Day by day, my desire to be in heaven grows - what could possibly be better than an eternity singing praises at the feet of Jesus? - but I still feel alone here. God knows my pain though. It's okay to be homesick, to miss your family and friends. It's what you do with those feelings that matters. Sometimes it hits me like a wave and I just start crying. My heart literally from the longing to be home with people who know me and love me. It's so easy to get lost in that. If I let it consume me, though, it puts a wall between me and the people I am around at that time. I am no longer living for the people that I should be focusing my love on. I am either living in the memories of the past or the dreams of the future. I'm certainly not living to the fullest in present at the moment that matters most. When I let homesickness get the best of me, those around me get less of me than what they deserve. When I am homesick (and handle it correctly) I become more like Jesus. As He shares in my suffering, I share in His. In His longing for home, He invited others to join Him in His kingdom of peace, which is the place we all long for down deep inside. When I am homesick, I am longing for the people, the relationships, the love and joy, for a place where I am comfortable and accepted. Somewhere, in my dreams and biased opinion, home is better than anywhere else.

     What if what I am really longing for is heaven? That is the only place where all of the things I miss from home perfectly exist. That is the only place where all of the things I desire are - where love and laughter will never end, where friendships will be true and deep, and joy will be our unending song.