Reigniting

I've been living the dream this summer. From 5 weeks of camp to some of the best times with my closest friends to flying halfway across the world to spend 7 weeks with one of the coolest people ever to now getting ready to live in Belgium for 6 months. I am so blessed.

But... There is something not quite right. I know exactly what it is. I just don't know how to fix it.

How do you reignite your passion for the best thing you have in your life? How do you regain your desire for your first love? And why did I lose my passion and desire for my Beloved when I need to be close to Him so badly right now?

I think I go in circles. One day I can't get enough of Him, the next I don't want to even spend 5 minutes with Him. I know what's wrong with the off days. I turn my eyes away from Jesus. I start looking at myself and those around me. I compare myself to them, beat myself down for what I deceive myself into thinking are things that make me less than what I really am. I stop focusing on where my heart is supposed to be. I get caught up in what I want selfishly for me.

I think that's what affects my "good" days. I'll go to camp, or hear a sermon that touches my heart, and then BAM! "You're not good enough." And there goes my good day. There goes my focus and my desire. Me. My lack of self confidence. Or more like my confidence in the God who created me just the way I am for a reason.

Now I'm supposed to be going on a 6 month missions trip. I want to be living like I'm on a missions trip now. Like I am called to do. God has someone He wants us to reach out to everyday. And how many days have I let myself sit in self pity and regret instead of doing what I was made to do? Too many. Far too many.

I read a little book a couple times in the last month called The Prayer of Jabez. In it, the author tells a story of a guy who dies and goes to heaven. Peter is showing (we'll call him) George around the pearly mansions, and they come to a building that Peter is reluctant to show. George insists on going in. He finds boxes with names on them. He asks Peter if he has one. Peter slowly nods his head yes, but tells George that he really doesn't want to know what is in it. George, of course, doesn't listen. He finds his box and opens it. Thousands of memories pour out, each with a different ending than what actually happens. Each one was an opportunity that God wanted to bless George with, but George had always been to busy to look for them or even ask to see! George closed the box, full of remorse. What a life he could have had.

I don't want to be George. I don't want to look back on my life and see regret. I want to ask for blessings. I want to make the most of every opportunity. I don't want to have been so focused on me, that I miss you walking by me, hurting and in need of what I hold in my heart. I want to live the life God has for me - to the fullest.

I think it's time for the good days to start again. Right now.