Encountering Jesus

"There's nothing worth more, that will ever come close, no thing could compare - You're our living hope. Your presence, Lord. I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone. Your presence, Lord. Holy Spirit, You are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for - to be overcome by Your presence, Lord. Let us become more aware of Your presence. Let us experience the glory of Your goodness." - Bryan and Katie Torwalt, Holy Spirit

There is truly nothing worth more than knowing Jesus and encountering Him. Once you experience the love of God, you will never be the same.

Sometimes, a lot of the time, I am completely overwhelmed by my sweet Jesus. I literally don't know what to do with myself; I have no idea how to express what is happening inside of me. I am about to explode at the seams, but at the same time, I am paralyzed because of His inexpressibly tangible presence. It is so hard to describe what happens. I react in different ways when Jesus is present. Sometimes, I am so overcome by His love for me and the people I am talking about Him with that I start laughing or smiling uncontrollably. Other times, I experience Him during worship or the preaching or my own quiet time and can tangibly feel Him around me and in me. I experience a peace that surpasses all understanding and a warm, fuzzy feeling in the very core of my being, in my spirit. Occasionally I feel my heart break, but I know it's not actually my heart but His, and the emotions that come afterwards are flowing from His heart that is living inside me. I encounter Jesus in so many ways, but I know that I could encounter Him even more if I was aware of His presence around me. There is nothing I want more than to experience Jesus.

And there is nothing like witnessing someone else having an encounter with Jesus. I honestly cannot express the sheer joy that comes over me when I watch Jesus touch the life of another beloved child of God. Seeing someone come to the realization of how incredibly much God loves them and of who they are in Him is one of the most beautiful and perfect things that you can ever be privileged to experience. When someone experiences the love of God, they are never the same. Everything about a person changes when Jesus meets them and they have a face-to-face encounter with the Savior of the world. My favorite part is seeing their eyes change. When I see the eyes start to sparkle, that's when the smiling uncontrollably happens. I just can't contain myself.

I have never felt such joy, peace, and complete satisfaction as I have when I talk about Jesus with someone, anyone, anytime, anywhere. It really doesn't matter. As soon as I get to mention the name of Jesus, everything inside of me changes. If I was in a bad mood, then I am suddenly overexcited and enthusiastic about... everything. If I was feeling apathetic or annoyed, then all of that is washed away. And then when someone else catches that, I get even more excited. It does more for me than coffee does. After a conversation about Jesus I can't sleep or think about anything else or even be productive because I am so hyped up about it. And it is absolutely fantastic.

"Your love has ravished my heart and taken me over, taken me over. And all I want is to be with You forever, with You forever. So pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper. I want to know Your heart. I want to know Your heart. Your love is so much sweeter than anything I've tasted. I want to know Your heart." Steffany Frizell, Closer

Homesick

    Being homesick sucks. It really, really does. When you experience it loneliness, frustration and an overwhelming desire to be home plunge you into a pit of depressing solitude. Memories of the "good old days" of the way things used to be come flooding back like an unstoppable flash flood of nostalgia. You get lost in reminiscing over old feelings and beautiful memories. The desire to go back to the way things were holds you under the water, drowning you in the flood of loneliness. Even though, while you are dreaming of days gone by, you know that it will never ever be the same when you finally do go home, - something you knew and considered before you left in the first place - you still hold onto this hope that it will be the same. It's really just your selfishness showing its nasty head. How selfish it is to go off on grand adventures, galavanting through this wide world you are discovering, all the while expecting those you love not to have adventures or not to have moved on while you were gone. The fear that there won't be anyone still there, that my friends will have moved on and forgotten me, haunts me every day. But what if they are thinking the same thing about me?
   
    There is good that comes out of it too though. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. At least, I hope it is. When you are away from the ones you love, you realize just how amazing they are - more than you ever realized. You realize how much the mean to you and how blessed you are to have them in your life. And I hope that makes coming home that much sweeter.
   
    Being homesick is something that you have to overcome though. Unfortunately for us, we can't really live in the past while hoping to be useful in the future. Or in the present. It's a struggle. Struggles in life come so that, through them, we may become more like Jesus. No matter what trial or temptation comes our way, we can be sure that our Redeemer went through the same things. Even being homesick. And because of this we can "consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because we know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance." I think Jesus had perseverance - He came to earth knowing that He was going to die for people who couldn't care less about His love and sacrifice. I think He persevered out of more than just His love for us. Jesus knew where He came from and where He was going. When Paul said, "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain," he must have been looking at the life of Jesus and longing for his heavenly home. For Jesus, to live meant that He could share His Father's love and mercy to a broken, messed up, hurting people who hated Him, and to bear that sin upon a rough wooden cross. Yet He persevered; He died because He was going home. He was going to be at home in the presence of His glorious Father, the Almighty King. I think that gave Him the courage to face  the most excruciating death you could ever possibly imagine.
     
     "All these people (even Jesus) were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking to a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them." Heb. 11:13-16

     I think Jesus was homesick. He knew what was waiting for Him. He lived in faith knowing that His Father was waiting in glory for His beloved Son. The things Jesus said were the opposite of every normal, understood thing of this earth, and He knew that He wasn't meant for an earthly life for long. But He persevered. Most of the time He was alone in it. He was betrayed and left alone by His closest friends. I can only imagine how hurt and homesick that made Him when His disciples denied Him in His times of trials. But He knew that He was not alone - that His Father and God was there with Him all the time. I'm sure the knowledge of all these things gave Him the courage to live the way He did. He knew where His identity was found and where He was going - what His goal was.

      Suddenly, being homesick isn't quite so hard. Knowing that Jesus longed for His home like I do mine is encouraging. Although it is convicting at the same time. I know I don't long for heaven like I should. I'm not homesick for it. Of course, I want to go there, but it doesn't eat away at me like being homesick for Oregon does. Day by day, my desire to be in heaven grows - what could possibly be better than an eternity singing praises at the feet of Jesus? - but I still feel alone here. God knows my pain though. It's okay to be homesick, to miss your family and friends. It's what you do with those feelings that matters. Sometimes it hits me like a wave and I just start crying. My heart literally from the longing to be home with people who know me and love me. It's so easy to get lost in that. If I let it consume me, though, it puts a wall between me and the people I am around at that time. I am no longer living for the people that I should be focusing my love on. I am either living in the memories of the past or the dreams of the future. I'm certainly not living to the fullest in present at the moment that matters most. When I let homesickness get the best of me, those around me get less of me than what they deserve. When I am homesick (and handle it correctly) I become more like Jesus. As He shares in my suffering, I share in His. In His longing for home, He invited others to join Him in His kingdom of peace, which is the place we all long for down deep inside. When I am homesick, I am longing for the people, the relationships, the love and joy, for a place where I am comfortable and accepted. Somewhere, in my dreams and biased opinion, home is better than anywhere else.

     What if what I am really longing for is heaven? That is the only place where all of the things I miss from home perfectly exist. That is the only place where all of the things I desire are - where love and laughter will never end, where friendships will be true and deep, and joy will be our unending song.

God is good all the time

I don't really know what to write tonight, but I have a feeling that there are things in me that need to be said. What those are, I'm not quite sure.

I'll start with just saying something that we all hear, we all say back and forth like a broken record, God is good. Seriously. God is so good. God is good. God is good. God is good. All the time. All the time, God is good. In the words of Yoda: Good all the time God is. GOD IS GOOD. God is really really really really good. God is so inexpressibly good. And He's inexpressibly good all the time. All the time as in when we're sleeping, eating, drinking, pooping, talking, thinking, going through hard times, going through good times. He's good when we're sick, diseased and broken. He's good when we are on top of the world in our careers, ministry or school. He's good when others lie to us, use us, abuse us, rip us off, forget us. He's good when we have no food or money or living in a cardboard box watching people who have enough food, money and clothes to keep a family alive for a century walk by without even making eye contact with us. He's good when our dreams and desires are fulfilled. He's good when we don't have the courage, the strength, the ability, the motivation, the love, the compassion, the health, the wealth to do what we are called to do. He's good when our candidate doesn't win. He's good when social injustice is rampant, when justice is far from us. He's good in war. He's good in peace. He's good when we're alone and when we're surrounded by our closest friends.

People. He is good all the time.

All the time.

With that in mind - God answers prayers. Even ridiculous ones that I say when I am so emotionally wrecked and worn out. It's crazy how when we come to the end of ourselves that our true spirits speak. When we are so broken inside that only raw emotions are left, that's when we pour out what is really in our hearts. Our real desires are shown. Papa knows our hearts and desires anyways, but I think that we touch His heart when we let our hearts be shown and open before Him. Of course, it goes the other way too. After we've been broken and open before Him once, the ability to hear the Spirit speak to us - spirit to spirit - comes with ease. It takes practice though, I'm finding. But I want to hear Him like I can hear my best friend. I can hear my friends' laughter in any crowd. I can pick out a close friend's voice from a group. That's the way it should be with my Papa. I want to be able to hear Him anywhere and pick out His voice from the others that would try to distract and deceive me. And guys, He answers our prayers. He hears us. And then He speaks.

Sometimes, God wants to speak more than we want to listen.

But I want to listen. I want to learn. I want to be so intimate with my Redeemer that there is no way I could miss Him speaking. He still speaks. Our God is the same God that He was in the Garden of Eden that walked and talked with Adam and Eve; the same God that came in visions and dreams to the prophets and followers of Christ of old. He longs to do that with us still today. He wants to pour His Spirit out on us. We have to give Him permission though. We have to let Him in, let Him have His way in us. Crazy stuff happens when we meet with Jesus.
He loves us with reckless abandon. He passionately pursues us. He doesn't give up on us. What would happen if we let Jesus really love us and we stopped comparing ourselves to others? I think things that we consider radical but that Jesus considers normal would happen. I mean, He tells us that we will do miracles and wonders and miraculous signs - greater ones than He did! - but for most of us, we never do. We live our lives without reaching our potential in Him. So "crazy", "charismatic" things should be the norm, right? But, at least for me, I'm terrified of people. I'm paralyzed by the fear of rejection and the fear of what they will think of me. But I have the Spirit of power, love and self discipline!! I don't have the spirit of timidity! And I have the promises of God to give me courage and strength. Pretty cool. We can do the stuff they were doing in the Gospels and Acts. We serve the same God, yeah? So what's keeping us back? It's time to turn our mindset away from ourselves and get our eyes back on what they are supposed to be fixed on - the Author and Perfecter of our faith.  It turns out people don't think the things about us that we think they think about us. Satan is such a good liar. Good thing we have the Truth in our hearts. We just have to listen to the truth instead of the lies. That's easier said than done. But when Satan is being a meanie and lying to us we can run like little kids run to their daddy when they have been bullied. Our Papa wants to tell us how much He loves us and wants us and desires us and how has the best planned for us.

Well. This got a wee bit rabbit-trailish... That's what I get for not taking the time to write my thoughts out...

Hey guys. God is so good. All the time. :)

Leaving my Street

In Annie, one of my favorite movies, Annie tells Mr. Warbucks that she has never seen NYC even though she has lived there her entire life. I was always so confused about how that could even be possible. NYC is such a huge city with so many places and landmarks to go explore. How could you possibly contain yourself to just a few nearby streets when the whole city was there for the taking? I understand how that is possible now. I have lived in the same city for a month, and I have been hardly anywhere in it, let alone left it.
There is so much that could be seen here. There is so much that could be done. And there is a whole country to be seen outside of this city.

I realized one day last week that I hadn't gone anywhere off the street that I live on for about 3 days. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? My brain doesn't comprehend how that could happen.

City living is the polar opposite of country living. In the city there is no need to drive anywhere, for me there is really no need to leave this street. I have a couple grocery stores, a mall, a couple pubs, two icecream shops, a bunch of restaurants, post office, and a couple banks within 4 minutes of walking. How incredibly different from home! There's a few houses within four minutes of walking... A couple fields... That's about it. There's even been a few days that I literally have not left the building. Absolutely crazy.

When I first got here, I thought this city was huge, unending. It's really not though. My perception has changed. It is still overwhelming to think of the pain and poverty and oppression contained in these city streets. When I allow that thought to overwhelm me, it paralyzes me - keeps me from doing the good I know I ought to do. I love the quote from Mother Teresa: "Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love." And that helps me focus not on the masses, but on the homeless man sleeping on a cardboard box in the metro station or the lonely old lady waving and blowing kisses from her window. Focusing not on problems in mass gives people individual worth. Instead of numbers, it gives people faces.

There is so much more to do, to see, to be than what we isolate ourselves to. We get caught in our street of comfortable safety, the street that we know. We don't venture out of that safe zone. We don't experience all the wonder and beauty that is just around the corner. I guess this really isn't just contained to where we live but how we live. I stayed in my safe zone of friends, people that I was comfortable with, who knew me. It is still so hard for me to venture out and to be vulnerable with new people. But then I think about all of the beautiful friendships I could have if I realized that people actually aren't scary. They're people, just like me. They have their insecurities too. So, if I ignore my insecurities, others might ignore theirs and something wonderful might occur. I can imagine a world where people aren't scared of what others think of their outward appearance because the focus is on who they are not what they look like. I can imagine a world where we honor people not because of their performance or abilities, looks or wealth, but we honor them because they are created in the image and likeness of a God who loves all of us unconditionally. Maybe if I face my fears, those around me will have the courage to face theirs. Maybe if I let myself be me, others can be free to be who they were made to be.

Our lives are about relationship, community. Our lives are about love. I can do anything I want, but if I don't do it with love toward the individual - the person, the soul, the life - it is a wasted action.

So all of that to say, this city's not so big. But it is at the same time.

Community, Sheep and Voices.

Living in a community setting is so different. And sometimes hard. There is so much joy to be found in sharing and living together though. We are meant to be communal, but, if we are in it selfishly, we miss out on  what it could actually be. Living in community is about corporate good not individual gain. It is about looking past the outer layers and shells of people and seeing their real needs, and having a desire to meet those needs. It's looking past personality differences and seeing them the way Jesus sees them. And it's about seeing Jesus in them. If we are focused on Jesus, silly things that frustrate and annoy us become much less time and energy consuming.

On a different note... It always amazes me how God chooses to speak to me and others. And it's incredible how, when we take time and make time to hear from Him, He will speak. Maybe it will be through images, impressions, words or verses. Or maybe He won't speak right then at all. Do we have the faith to let Him not speak right when we expect or want Him to?

I love how God uses others to confirm and encourage you. And then how we can turn around and do the same for others. I think the gift of encouragement is one of the most precious gifts God has given us. Not only does it build up others, but it also gives affirmation to you that God does speak and He does care. When we put encouragement together with deep, heartfelt Jesus-love for others, the way that lives can change are endless. Even better, God's voice will always be strengthening, encouraging, and comforting.

We have to be careful though; we can be so easily deceived.

Jesus compares people to sheep frequently in the Gospels, but it is also a very common comparison in the entire Bible. I've heard tons of sermons and read lots of devotionals about the whole sheep people thing. But hearing God's voice is something that I've been struggling with a lot over the last year or so. How do I know when it's God and when it's something or someone else?

But sheep. Sheep are stupid, but so are we. There is something cool about sheep though - especially sheep from the Bible times. Or maybe sheep in the mountains of Scotland or Wales. Or in Shorty's barn. They know the voice of their shepherd. They also know when the person speaking is not their shepherd. Jesus says over and over, "I know my sheep and my sheep know me" and "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me". I love this verse: "But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."

If I am a sheep....... I should know my Shepherd's voice. I should be able to distinguish between the One who wants to make me lie down in green pastures and lead me beside still waters and the evil one who wants to lead me far from safety and into the wilderness where lions want to tear me apart and there is no food or water to satisfy me.

Therefore Jesus said again, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Why would I not spend time with my sweet Redeemer so that I recognize His voice? Just like anyone that you love, you can pick out their voice or their laugh in any crowd of people in any situation. Shouldn't that be the way it is between me and Jesus? I want to run far away from anything that keeps me from knowing and hearing His voice. I am desperate to know Him more.

Food for thought: What if God wants to speak more than we want to listen?

Brussels Impressions

I can't believe that I am writing this from the 6th floor of an old building in Brussels, which I now call home. Never would I have imagined that this would be my life at this time, but I don't think I would trade it for anything.

Trams run loudly through the streets. Voices call to each other. Boisterous laughter fills the air. Languages from all over the world chatter back and forth in a kind of international dish - each language a spice that adds flavor to the taste. A moped goes by like an angry hornet. The night life of Brussels.

I sat on the roof this evening skyping with a friend. I was blown away by what I saw while I was up there. The city goes on and on - an unending sea of tiled roofs and tall buildings. You can sense the history of each terrace and balcony. The sun and clouds created an aura of a time not that long ago when maybe life was simpler and the need to be busy was not a thing to be concerned with. When maybe time was really like the old photographs.

The noise is unending. Some say Brussels is a spiritually dead city - that it is not ever going to change. I don't believe that. Noise means life. It's when we become silent that we die inside.

As I've wandered through Brussels the last two days, I keep asking myself what a small town Oregon girl is doing in a city like this. God must have me confused with another Katy from the States. I stand by these old buildings and monuments surrounded by people I can't understand, and I feel so small. But I know I'm not. Face after face, soul after soul walk by me. I can't help but wonder what their story is, what they have been through, what they will be. I remember that I am here to tell them my story about where I have been and what God has made me to be. I am not really all that small. I have a place here in Brussels. I have a purpose. I might not understand what my purpose is yet, but it is not to simply be another face in the crowd.

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. Make your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us - yes, establish the work of our hands." Ps. 90:12-17

Melted milk chocolate on a freshly baked waffle is life changing.

Reigniting

I've been living the dream this summer. From 5 weeks of camp to some of the best times with my closest friends to flying halfway across the world to spend 7 weeks with one of the coolest people ever to now getting ready to live in Belgium for 6 months. I am so blessed.

But... There is something not quite right. I know exactly what it is. I just don't know how to fix it.

How do you reignite your passion for the best thing you have in your life? How do you regain your desire for your first love? And why did I lose my passion and desire for my Beloved when I need to be close to Him so badly right now?

I think I go in circles. One day I can't get enough of Him, the next I don't want to even spend 5 minutes with Him. I know what's wrong with the off days. I turn my eyes away from Jesus. I start looking at myself and those around me. I compare myself to them, beat myself down for what I deceive myself into thinking are things that make me less than what I really am. I stop focusing on where my heart is supposed to be. I get caught up in what I want selfishly for me.

I think that's what affects my "good" days. I'll go to camp, or hear a sermon that touches my heart, and then BAM! "You're not good enough." And there goes my good day. There goes my focus and my desire. Me. My lack of self confidence. Or more like my confidence in the God who created me just the way I am for a reason.

Now I'm supposed to be going on a 6 month missions trip. I want to be living like I'm on a missions trip now. Like I am called to do. God has someone He wants us to reach out to everyday. And how many days have I let myself sit in self pity and regret instead of doing what I was made to do? Too many. Far too many.

I read a little book a couple times in the last month called The Prayer of Jabez. In it, the author tells a story of a guy who dies and goes to heaven. Peter is showing (we'll call him) George around the pearly mansions, and they come to a building that Peter is reluctant to show. George insists on going in. He finds boxes with names on them. He asks Peter if he has one. Peter slowly nods his head yes, but tells George that he really doesn't want to know what is in it. George, of course, doesn't listen. He finds his box and opens it. Thousands of memories pour out, each with a different ending than what actually happens. Each one was an opportunity that God wanted to bless George with, but George had always been to busy to look for them or even ask to see! George closed the box, full of remorse. What a life he could have had.

I don't want to be George. I don't want to look back on my life and see regret. I want to ask for blessings. I want to make the most of every opportunity. I don't want to have been so focused on me, that I miss you walking by me, hurting and in need of what I hold in my heart. I want to live the life God has for me - to the fullest.

I think it's time for the good days to start again. Right now.